This is why guilt trips like ‘think of what you’re doing to your loved ones’ don’t work for me… I’m so grateful to still be alive today. And I was convinced everyone would be happier if I was gone, that I was doing them a favor by unburdening them. It was about escaping unbearable pain when I couldn’t see any other option. I was desperately searching for a way to conquer them.” – Kacie S. It’s difficult to explain how death would make you feel more alive than ever. “For me, it’s less about death and more about ceasing the pain. Here are some of the responses that resonated with me: In September 2016 The Mighty, a digital health community created to empower and connect people facing health challenges and disabilities, asked suicide attempt survivors what they wished people knew about their experiences. And what surprises me most is how similar they all are to mine. Once again, I turn to Google but this time to find stories of survival. I find many. I am one of so many people who have come close to suicide. Today marks International Survivors of Suicide Day and I find myself remembering that awful night in February 2014. The next day I found a psychiatrist and booked my first session. Why was I choosing this way out when I had so much to live for? I quickly shut down the 20 browsers I had open. It was convenient too as I could do it at any time. I could drive off Chapman’s Peak and into the ocean… “She lost control around a bend,” they’d say. Hanging would be a logistical nightmare.īut a car accident would be easy. An overdose of pills doesn’t always work and I couldn’t find any mention of exactly what to take and how many. Still I kept searching for the answer I was so desperate to find. I was in pain and ending my life would take away that pain. That I wouldn’t be remembered as a coward. That they wouldn’t see me as the failure I was convinced I was. That they would never know that I had decided to take my own life. I wanted to take my life, to end the pain, to release those who loved me from the torment I presented them with every time I had a depressive mood.īut it had to look like an accident so that they would mourn for me and remember me for who I was rather than the way I had ended it. For hours I searched for the perfect solution. I have to close the browser now.īut back in 2014 I didn’t. My hands are sweaty and my stomach is twisted in knots. On the first page I read – "Making suicide look like an accident" "what’s the best way to kill yourself but make it look like an accident" "making a suicide like some random accident" "top 20 suicide methods: fastest and painless suicide methods…" Today, I just typed in those same words – Google spat out 937 000 results in 0.75 seconds.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. ArchivesCategories |